The Inspiration

The inspiration:  Where to begin…

So, here we are.  I’m writing a blog.  Who am I writing to?  Is this like a journal entry?  I guess I’m writing in first person, so here we go.

A little back story, I am not a writer.  I like writing. I really enjoy writing. And boy, do I feel I have some thoughts to share!  Will anyone else want to read my thoughts?  Not sure.  Thoughts are like your own new toy. Will anyone else appreciate it as much as you do given they won’t get to spend as much time with it as you?  I’ve thought about doing this for a long time, if simply to get the jumble of constant thoughts out of my head. And maybe, just maybe, put it somewhere for others to enjoy, or at least gain something from.

I’m going to go deep on this “why I’m writing a blog,” so get ready.

Three years ago, I started reading a book.  The book is called Visions of Glory by John Pontius.  This book had come into my possession through a sequence of events that I consider a miracle to this day.  Though small and seemingly not that crazy, these events led me to a book, and that book changed my life. 

My mom was at my grandparents’ house.  My mother is adamant that she needs a television to fall asleep to.  She literally doesn’t sleep without tv.  Which is why this night at my grandparents’ home, she was not sleeping.  There was no television in the bedroom. The HORROR!  She noticed a book on the bedside table.  She picked it up, she read the introduction.  She was so intrigued by this book that the next day she promptly contacted me and said she was sending me the book because she’d never have time to read it but knew I would.

Fun fact – this wasn’t my mom’s book. She stole it.  It was my Aunt Laura’s book that she’d given to my grandmother.  She may have let them know she was taking the book. I don’t know. The details are fuzzy. 

Anyway, now I have this book (just a heads up- get used to the story bouncing all over the place. Sorry, I can’t change the way my mind functions). Nothing extraordinary.  Just a book.  I started reading.  Almost immediately, I had to put it down and put it somewhere I couldn’t see it.  You see, I was going to Mexico in a couple weeks.  I’m talking MEXICO, Mexico.  Like, beer all day, I’ll just leave it at that.  But this trip had been planned.  I think 9 of us were going and it was going to be a party.

As I started reading the book, I knew what was happening.  Something inside me was stirring awake.  This couldn’t happen now, Mexico was waiting.  I hid the book.  I went to Mexico.  But something was different.  I wasn’t the same.  It would have been the best party week of my life. All the ingredients were there but I don’t think I even enjoyed it.

I came home and I started reading.  One memorable moment or “coincidence”, as I’ll refer to it, was reading about addiction.  The book discussed how people couldn’t feel the spirit or progress when they were dulling their feelings with liquor or drugs.  That’s what I’d been doing for years.  As I was reading, I was suddenly starving. I’d been reading outside, on my balcony, so I went inside to make a pizza.  My roommate Chris was watching a sports show and, for some completely random reason, Danny Trejo was being interviewed.  He was talking about the day he quit alcohol and drugs.  He met with a therapist and the therapist said he couldn’t be who he wanted to be until he gave up his vices.  I went outside and continued to read.  I cried.  Then, like any normal Friday night, I poured myself some scotch and started playing cards with Chris. 

Let me be clear. To this day I claim I never wasted an ounce of alcohol.  One time in college, we had tons of leftover beer from a game we played.  The beer was in open cups and I put them in the fridge and drank them over the next few days.  You want to talk about the most disgusting, kind of pathetic, but also (just going to say it) a bit admirable thing that’s ever been done? It was that.

So, I drank some of the scotch and I wasn’t feeling it.  No problem. I opened a beer.  I will never forget the moment I realized, “I don’t want this.”  I was someone who never wasted a drop.  I binge drank at least 2 days a week.  On weekdays, I’d drink enough to be sick in the morning but still able to go to work.  I had a problem I never wanted to admit.  It was a constant fear of mine that I’d never stop.  I’m sure if I continued the way I was going, I would slowly poison my body to death.

That day I drank half a beer and decided, I don’t want this.  I poured it out.  Four years ago – almost exactly four years ago-I had my last sip of alcohol.  I didn’t know that would be the last sip, but it was.  When I say that book saved my life, what I mean is that God and Jesus Christ put that book in my life, and I fought it (see: MEXICO).  I felt the change, and I fought it.  I read the book and my spirit cried out.  I cried out.  God and Jesus Christ never gave up on me.

The next week I decided I wanted to go to church.  I was scared.  I didn’t know where to start.  “I CAN’T DO THIS.”  A postcard came in the mail.  It’s been four years and as I write this I’m still overwhelmed with emotion.  I have to fight back tears when I think of the moment that I received that postcard.

It was from a dear friend.  She was not raised in the church but had been baptized years prior.  We had kept in contact throughout my years of debauchery.  We were close friends.  When I’d visit home, I could see she remembered when I had some moral compass I seemingly no longer had.  She remembered when I didn’t drink.  She remembered when I carried more light.  Every time I’d see her she’d ask when I was going back to church.  Every time I saw her she’d ask when I was going to stop drinking.  Every time I brushed her off and made her change the subject.  She was persistent, I was stubborn. 

…..

I called her that night.  I told her I wanted to go back to church.  The whirlwind that ensued was astonishing.  It was like she’d been waiting for this moment for years. I guess she had.  If she had a checklist of steps to take for when she received this call, I wouldn’t be surprised.  Next thing I know I was a member of a Facebook page called Scottsdale YSA Ward Events.  I had my new Bishop’s phone number and an appointment for the next week.  I had an address and time to be at church that Sunday.  I think I told her I wasn’t ready to meet the Bishop.  She cancelled the meeting and said she highly recommended I see him soon.   

That Sunday I went to church.  I’d tried going to church over the past few years.  I’d had missionaries over to my house a few times.  It just never stuck.  Chris went with me since I told him I was too afraid to go alone.  At church that day something monumental occurred.  A guy sitting in front of me turned around and asked me if I played basketball.  He said he was starting in a league and asked if I wanted to join his team.  He knew nothing about me.  He didn’t even know if I could dribble.  That guy ended up being the Elders Quorum President at the time and he changed my life.  Many people those first couple months had an impact on my life that they, and myself, don’t completely understand yet.  I look forward to looking back on those months in every detail and being able to thank those individuals. 

Why am I writing a blog?

I guess because I feel I have a lot to say?  The real, final push came from another blog.  UnBlog my Soul was a blog started by John Pontius.  The man I never met, but the man who changed my life forever.  He passed away in 2012, yet his words continue to impact me.  I believe after his death his wife continued his blog in his honor.  I recently was on the website and saw that she was closing shop.  No more new posts on UnBlog my Soul.  Why?  Because she wanted others to start blogs.  Others to impact lives.  Others to tell their stories. 

It seemed fitting that the wife of the man that brought me back to Christ, was telling me to do something I’d felt prompted to do for years.  Now I’m writing a blog.  It will have a lot of stories.  It will have a lot of thoughts.  Some will (hopefully) be short.  Many will be long, confusing trains of thought.  As you might be able to tell, there will be strong religious tones to my writing.  Input is welcomed, critical and otherwise.  The spirit works in miraculous ways.  I know that from personal experience.  Hopefully this is meant to help just one person.  For the worth of souls is great in the sight of the Lord.  And if you cry repentance all your life and bring one soul unto Him how great shall be your joy with him in the home of our Father?  How great will be my joy with John Pontius, that elder’s quorum president, that friend that never gave up on me, and Jesus Christ.

Edit 12/19/21- Please see Why “No Coincidences” for an update on why I continue to do this blog. It’s not easy writing every day and sharing every week. That is why I do it. Thank you for reading.